Ask Dr B about Relationships: My ADHD Makes All Kinds of Relationships Hard - 059Sep 18, 2018
Hey ADDers! If you’re married, living together, dating, have close friends or it’s you and you…these are all different forms of relationships that you are in. And where there are relationships, there are potential challenges and delightful times to be shared.
I look at relationships as kind of a progression. First, there is the relationship you have with yourself. Then there is the relationship you have with one other person, whether that’s a friendship or coupleship or partnership in business. From there, your coupleship or partnership could expand into a family or expansion of a business. Point is, in my mind it always starts with you. If I'm describing your life, then this episode is for you!!
In this episode, I talk about:
- Relationship With Yourself
- Relationship With Another
- Relationship With Family or Team
- Stories About Relationships From Listeners
- The Importance Of Celebrating Your WINS
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
Full Episode Transcript Today is Episode 59 with Dr B
Hey ADDers! Life is filled with transitions; they’re in between everything we do. This means that we need to master the art of shifting from thing to thing and not getting stuck in neutral, getting nothing done. Or, do you leap from thing to thing constantly, leaving a trail of unfinished tasks or projects or phone calls to your credit? Seriously, shifting from a scarcity mentality to one of abundance.
Focus on the process rather than the goal.
But, how to you actually shift? How do you actually let go of something and embrace something else?
Let’s talk about that.
Do you have trouble “inhibiting” your impulses? Even though most of the executive function assessments typically look at the behavioral stuff, like blurting out, touching things you shouldn’t, cutting people off and more, to me there is so much more to understanding Inhibiting than just the behavioral manifestations. What about Inhibiting your thoughts and feelings? By that I mean, do your thoughts and feelings seem to have a mind of their own and “just happen” uninhibited, or do you have a say so in what you think and feel and when you think and feel what you do? I’m talking about the part of your mind that controls the censoring and regulating aspect of your behaviors, thoughts and feelings.
I’ve expanded the idea of this executive function skill into the thinking and feelings realm, as well as looked at the flip side of Inhibit. Instead of needing to stop yourself from doing something unacceptable, what about being so inhibited that you’ve shut yourself down from doing so many things that you believe are unacceptable to others, that you are not able to freely express yourself about your needs, boundaries, feelings, thoughts and so on. To me, as well as my ADDventures in Achievement students, that’s a really important aspect of Inhibit. So, if you relate to anything I’ve mentioned so far, then this episode is for you!
Let’s dive in and start with the traditional descriptions of Inhibit and move on to some descriptions ala Dr B:
· To inhibit is to restrain, block, censor or suppress
· Inhibitory control is also know as response inhibition
· This is your ability to resist impulses and the ability to stop your own behavior at the appropriate time
· You might be perceived as less in control of your behavior than your peers
· Perhaps you interrupt others frequently or finish their sentences for them
· You might say inappropriate things or your timing might be off
· People might feel unsafe with you if you are intrusive into their personal space and might even feel disrespected by you
Going deeper, I see the importance of addressing this skill because:
· Either you develop the ability to Inhibit your impulses behaviorally, as well as in your thinking and feelings, or you will kind of be held hostage by them due to a lack of the ability to Inhibit
· If you grew up being overly Inhibited in your family of origin or schools or circle of friends, and have continued to live that way, you are living in a prison and not as a full expression of your true self
· If your thoughts or feelings are like a runaway train and they take you wherever they go, they are running your life, not you
· There is a time to Inhibit and there is a time to not Inhibit and we need to learn that balance in life
So, where are you going to be able to address the traditional issues of Inhibit as well as the deeper ones I’m referring to? If you have someone you can do that work with, that’s great. If you don’t, I hope you’ll consider allowing me to be that person for you. Just put your information into the form on my ADDventures in Achievement website, and I’ll call you within 24-48 hours from the time I receive your info so we can chat and see if the program is a good fit for you.
How much time do any of us have? Not all that much. Time doesn’t stand still for any of us; it has it’s own pace and movement forward whether we are ready to move forward or not. I learned long ago that I wanted to “live ready” for the unfolding of my life, meaning that I took my life and the passing of time more seriously and didn’t want to have to pass on any more opportunities because I wasn’t ready and couldn’t say “yes” when I wanted to.
How many opportunities have come along over the course of your life thus far, that you weren’t ready for and had to say “no” to? It might only be 1 or 2, but if they were really important to you and you weren’t ready, then I know that pain because there were 1 or 2 in my life that I really wish I had been ready for but I wasn’t and I had to pass. I can’t turn back the hands of time; that time is gone. Any one of us might be offered a similar opportunity in the future or we might not; some doors close because it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and other doors open again. Point is, you need to consider living your life ready for the opportunities that come your way so you have a choice, rather than the choice is made for you because you’re not ready to accept the opportunity and run with it.
And it’s not just about the skill and strategies of Inhibit. There are so many more skills and strategies that are at the very core of what we need to be able to do in order to live a fully meaningful and successful adult life. There’s no short cuts here or getting around the fact that we all need these skills and strategies so we can Inhibit (or stop what needs stopping), Shift (or makes transitions from thing to thing, thought to thought and feeling to feeling), have Emotional Control (like being able to regulate ourselves in day-to-day life), Self-Monitor (notice our impact on those around us), Initiate (get started on what needs to be done, when it needs to be done), depend on our Working Memory, Plan (a real plan with steps to take), Organize (into a sequential path), Monitor Tasks (to know how things are going before we get to the end and see that it is completely wrong), and Organize Material things in our world, as well as the ability to manage yourself in time, follow through, actually complete tasks, plus there’s all the emotional reasons we do what we do to sabotage ourselves that need to be addressed if we are ever going to live free of a derailing and limited life. Now that’s a mouthful and a lot to tackle. However, no need to become overwhelmed when there is a path and guidance to achieve all of this and more. You’ll understand more of what I mean when we chat.
Why are so many of us missing these skills and strategies? Besides what I’ve read in the literature about chronic illness and traumas of all sorts growing up (including the repeated traumatic experiences of growing up with undiagnosed ADHD and undiagnosed Executive Function deficits), takes a toll. I see that life has changed in many ways and some of these ways are not for the better. There is an impersonal or detached feeling in many social environments. Think about the places of influence as we are growing up – our home(s) which could be blended or original or single parent or grandparents, schools, churches, synagogues, social organizations such as boy scouts, campfire girls, sports, clubs, classes and such if we participated in these places. We were learning wherever we were from what was modeled for us – relationships, social skills, power, control, boundaries, personal rights, rules, and so on. We can certainly arrive in our adult lives with so many disempowering or damaging beliefs, behaviors, feelings and ways of thinking about life and us in general. I’ve found that there’s a lot of work to be done in undoing the disempowering stuff and then developing the empowering stuff. It takes time, effort, energy and practice; lots of practice and it needs to be fun. In fact, there’s a book I read a while back entitled “The Practicing Mind: Developing Focus and Discipline in your Life” by Thomas M. Sterner. He talks about mastering any skills or challenge by learning to love the process. I agree. And many adults don’t love the process; they just want to get to what they want to get to rather than enjoying or even relishing the experience, process or journey. I highly recommend that book.
That concept reminds me of my years managing a wellness center and working as a physical fitness instructor. My mentor stressed the importance of the process of building strength and endurance as well as the correct form. He told me that if I focused on and perfected my form and was doing the correct exercises for what I wanted to develop and achieve, then I didn’t need to concern myself with the outcome because it would happen as a result of my good form and correct exercises. I bring that up because if you focus on the process and within the process the skills and strategies that you need to develop, and give yourself the time and space to make the changes you need and want to make, so long as you are on point with what you are doing, and you keep going and complete each step along the way, you will get the results you are seeking. There are 4 key words - simplify, small, short, and slow. If you are reframing your journey and weaving your transformation into your day-to-day living experience, then it’s okay that the process is what you focus on because this isn’t a race to get there, wherever there is, in the next week. It’s about getting where you want to go and being able to sustain or maintain what you achieve for the long-term rather than short-term. It’s like dieting; you can drop 10 pounds quickly but can you maintain that 10-pound loss long-term? Most people can’t and don’t because they didn’t learn what they needed to learn in the “process.” They were focused on the goal of dropping the 10 pounds and then because they couldn’t keep what they achieved, they had to repeat it over and over again and it still doesn’t stick if they aren’t focused on perfecting their process and whatever they need to learn in order to maintain for a lifetime.
Summing up…it’s important to focus on the process rather than the outcome or goal. The goal is for direction; so you know where you are headed. Then, get into the process a step at a time, and take your time, to ensure that you learn what you need to learn and don’t short change yourself. If you don’t, you’re only going to have to circle around and re-learn what you could have learned the first time.
Today’s episode is about the executive function skill of Inhibiting and the strategies I see as relevant for you as an adult living with ADHD or Executive Function Deficits, as well as offering you hope; real hope. How much time do we have? Not much. So let’s get to it.
Today’s 3 important points ala Dr B’s definitions are:
1. What is behavioral Inhibiting and how you can develop it
2. What is thinking Inhibiting and how you can develop it
3. What is emotional Inhibiting and how you can develop it
4. And an extra piece on being overly inhibited and needing to release yourself from that prison.
Now back to being an adult with ADHD or executive function challenges in today’s world. There can be so many reasons why your challenges weren’t given a name or officially acknowledged until later in life and since you can’t go back in time, you have to move forward with what you know now, and learn whatever it’s going to take to get your life working optimally for you. I actually have 4 stories for you today, with action steps, as well as a favorite quote of mine.
Are you overly inhibited or overly concerned about what other people are thinking about you and what you are doing or not doing? Have you restricted yourself or shrunk down you life so much so that you don’t even recognize yourself? Are you experiencing depression or anxiety that hasn’t let up in years, despite everything you’ve done to help yourself, and so your world is getting smaller and smaller?
If you relate to what I’m saying, my question is…what’s holding you back? What beliefs do you have about holding yourself back or inhibiting your behaviors, thoughts or feelings so much so that you feel anxious or depressed? I’ve hear things like “No one would like me if they really knew me” or “I’m just too intense” or “I’m just not into what most of the people I know are into” and so on. If you’re overly inhibited, no one is getting to really know you anyways; they are only getting to know the person who is held back. If the people you know have told you that you’re too intense, what they didn’t include was “too intense for them,” which is different than you being too intense. You won’t be too intense for many people; just people other than those who feel overwhelmed by you. If you don’t have much in common with the people you currently know, then perhaps you need a new circle of people around you to interact with.
You might want to think back to a time when you were a kid, before you started to inhibit yourself or feel inhibited, and remember how you were then. Did you have more energy? Were you more passionate or more expressive than you are now? Were you enthusiastic about most things and ready to try new things and learn? I think you get the point. If you can remember how you used to be before you were inhibited, and you liked how you were, then it’s time to find your way back to that state as it fits with your life today. It’s quite an adventure and I’m here to help guide you, if you want my help.
Let’s transition to some stories now and action steps. Our first story is about Ellis and what behavioral Inhibiting is, and some action steps about how you can develop it.
· Ellis was in his mid-40s and had been pushing people away with his behaviors for most of his life. He gave “advice” freely without being asked, and didn’t understand why this upset people. Thoughts and ideas came into his mind and out of his mouth without pausing to consider if they should be shared or not. He didn’t have any brakes on his behaviors or at least he didn’t use them very often.
· Ellis had been diagnosed with ADHD years ago and was taking medication that seemed to help his ability to focus effectively but did nothing for his inability to Inhibit. Since there are no skills in pills, his medication might have been helping a little with Inhibit, but without the skills and strategies he needed, Ellis was like a runaway train. He hadn’t been diagnosed with Executive Function Disorder or deficits and so he didn’t yet know that the bulk of his challenges were coming from his EF deficits and not so much from his ADHD.
· If the professional that diagnosed his ADHD had informed Ellis that since he has ADHD, he also has EF deficits, and that they are not the same (at least that’s my perspective). They are related, and just about everyone who has ADHD has EF deficits. Also, these deficits are skill-based deficits and they can be learned even as an adult.
· Ellis was curious about what EF deficits he had, because he wanted to learn what he was missing and fill the gap. He asked to be assessed for EF deficits and took a simple assessment that provided the answers he was seeking. He was compromised in almost every EF area assessed. And specific to Inhibit, he clearly had problems there and no skills or strategies to know how to inhibit what was being expressed. He was impulsive and rushed through things. He was easily distracted and had problems waiting his turn or waiting at all. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it plain and simple.
· He also lacked “maturity” which is common with adults with ADHD or EF deficits. A search for what is out there about maturity revealed the following traits:
o Self-awareness – being able to look at yourself through the eyes of a neutral observer, without judgment, just the facts
o Self-control – resisting what might be detrimental to your short or long term goals or wellbeing
o Accountability – understanding what a great responsibility it is to be human; and understanding the consequences of your actions and that keeping your word to yourself and others and doing what you say you’ll do is important
o Humility – you treat others fairly and respectfully and don’t place yourself in a one-up position
o Self-acceptance – the ability to make peace with who you are today and continue to strive to be better with each passing day
o Gratitude – seeing the wonderful things in your life and the benefits and value of both the big and small things you have or experience
o Compassion – you feel greater concern for others and wish well for those around you
o Being other-centered – determined to do what you can to help and celebrate the success of others and improve their welfare not just your own
o Open-mindedness – life isn’t black and white or right and wrong; you are open to many ideas and opinions and don’t judge those who might think differently and live differently than you
o A sense of wonder – this returns when you are open-minded; being able to view life as incredible and beautiful. You can see the miracles of nature and the complexity of your own existence
o Optimism tinged with realism – the ability to be optimistic and still realistic. You maintain a positive mindset for the best possible outcomes
o Flexibility – the ability to bend as need be and accept the unpredictable in life as part of the deal; seeking how things can happen differently than you might have thought originally
o Resilience – the ability to bounce back and not get overwhelmed by life events; solutions oriented vs. problems oriented
o Patience – having the ability to continue working for and towards what you want in life, as well as gracious that others may not move as quickly as you want them to and allowing that to be okay
o Honesty – first with self and then with others; no mask and no need to hide from who you are or hide it from others
· Another source indicates 7 qualities of a mature person
o Able to keep long-term commitments, even when they are no longer new or novel. You can do what’s right even when you don’t feel like it because your feelings don’t run your life, and you can delay gratification
o You are secure in your sense of yourself, your identity, and you are not shaken by flattery or criticism.
o You think of yourself less often and others more often with a spirit of humility
o You live by your values, and have principles in place that guide your decisions. Rather than being reactive to life’s options, you are proactive and decisive. Your decisions are based on character not feelings because feelings are ever changing from moment to moment
o Living a life of gratitude where you appreciate all that you have and that you are and can see the big picture of life
o Knowing how to prioritize in order to accommodate your needs and the needs of others who are dependent on your ability to consider their needs as well as your own
o Living as a teachable person rather than rigidly, and willing to seek the help of others, as needed. Realizing that the more you know the less you know and the more questions arise, and that’s a good thing
· One thing I conclude from these 2 examples is that maturity isn’t acting like a 2-year old and being determined to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, regardless of the consequences or impact on you or others, and that no one gets to tell you what to do or when to do it. The absoluteness of “no one” also includes you – meaning that you don’t get to tell yourself what to do either. This definitely creates it’s own set of problems and obstacles.
· Back to Ellis, it wasn’t difficult to understand why he felt so bad about himself and was filled with self-doubt. Despite really trying to make good decisions and be a responsible adult, his track record spoke for itself. People used to tell him that “seeing is believing” and that since they didn’t see him controlling himself they felt that he just didn’t care and felt entitled to act as he was. This couldn’t have been further from the truth but no one believed him.
Background Facts about behavioral Inhibiting:
· Individuals with inhibitory control challenges often require additional structure in their environment in order to maintain more appropriately controlled behavior. This means working for someone else where the structure, rules and expectations are clearly stated or if an entrepreneur, having someone else set up the necessary structure, rules and expectations, as well as facilitating accountability.
· Distractions need to be limited; whether visual, auditory or anything that could pull your attention away from the task at hand (such as shutting down your emails and turning off your phone)
· Tasks need to be clearly defined and perhaps even simplified so as to not overwhelm.
· Steps need to be clear and doable to facilitate lots of wins and build self-esteem.
· Redirection or course correction is often needed and until you learn how to do this for yourself, you might need someone to help you with this.
· Stop and think strategies such as counting to 10 or waiting 5 minutes before reacting are simple and generally doable.
· Developing inhibit habits, skills and strategies takes time and practice and does manifest itself if you keep going and follow through.
If you relate to Ellis’ story, your action steps are:
· Focus on determining which manifestations of the ability to Inhibit are weak for you.
· Follow Through on developing the skills and strategies to inhibit what you are missing. Ask yourself lots of questions daily to determine your progress and what you might need to adjust to do even better. Ask yourself questions such as:
o What was I challenged inhibiting today?
o What did I successfully inhibit today?
o How did I handle the challenge of inhibiting today?
o How did I handle my emotions during these challenges?
o How did I feel about the experience and/or the outcome?
o Am I making any assumptions about inhibiting and my ability?
o What are some fun and creative ways to cue myself to inhibit?
o What can I learn from today’s experiences?
o Could I have done anything differently and if so, what?
o Where could I improve for the next time?
o How should I adapt or change myself moving forward?
· Self-Management of how you feel about inhibiting behaviors that are destructive or disempowering to you and changing them to empowering ones. Reflect on whether or not you are addicted to the drama you’ve lived with for years and afraid to let it go. How do you feel about letting the drama go?
Let’s transition now to our second story about Darla and what thinking Inhibiting is, and some action steps about how you can develop it
· Darla was in her mid-70s and wasn’t diagnosed until her late-60’s. She had lived most of her life with the noise of her mind and just thought that was everyone’s experience.
· She always had something to think about and she didn’t mind so much during the daytime because it was interesting and entertaining to her. However, she couldn’t shut off her mind in the evenings when it was time to get ready to sleep, and this had been a problem for years. Her mind still seemed to have lots to share with her; a never-ending stream of thoughts and ideas.
· Since she was kind of a loner, she didn’t know that this wasn’t everyone’s experience until she was chatting with a new friend one day about going to sleep at night and how it takes her so long to get to the point where her mind has exhausted her and she just can’t stay awake. But until she reaches that point of exhaustion, she just can’t disengage from her cognitively active mind. Her friend Eve was intrigued because that wasn’t her experience at all. When it was time to go to sleep, she got into her bedclothes, pulled down the covers of her bed, crawled into bed and drifted off to sleep until it was time to wake in the morning.
· Darla didn’t know that her ADHD could be the reason or even a deficit of the executive function skill of Inhibiting. Instead, she wondered what was wrong with her that she couldn’t go to sleep at night like Eve; because it sounded like such a lovely experience.
· Determined to better understand and solve her sleeping challenge, Darla talked to Eve again and a few other people, searching for clues about what others did that she didn’t do. Once she got that information, she felt confident that she could figure out what she needed to do to solve this long-time problem. After all, she was using her strength of thinking.
Background Facts about thinking Inhibiting:
· Thinking serves many purposes and some of them not obvious. You might be constantly thinking and unable to inhibit your thinking because it is keeping you from focusing on something very unpleasant. And so you think about all kinds of things other than that unpleasant thing.
· Or, you might be thinking as a way to keep your mind stimulated and active and focused.
· Or, you have a strong mind but a weak will in terms of going into action, so you do what you are able to do well and avoid what you can’t. However, your thinking may lack what your will needs in order to go into action – specific steps for example.
· Being able to inhibit and regulate your thinking so that you think about what you need to think about, when you need to think about it is the goal, unless you give yourself permission to just think in free form – imagine, create, fantasize, daydream and so on.
· Inhibiting distracted thinking and staying with “on point thinking” is critical to being able to achieve your goals. However, it’s also critically important to understand the purpose that your uninhibited thinking is serving so you can know what the true nature of the challenge is.
If you relate to Darla’s story, your action steps are:
· Focus on the true purpose of your uninhibited thinking and determine the important gift it provides as well as where in your life it’s a problem
· Follow Through on acknowledging the good of this strength and where it hinders you. Determine when you need to inhibit your thinking, and course correct because it is necessary in many areas of your life
· Self-Management of how you feel about knowing that your runaway train mind has been running your life instead of the other way around. Sit with your feelings about learning new skills and strategies to inhibit your thinking when that is needed.
And let’s transition to our third story about Tess and what emotional Inhibiting is, and action steps about how you can develop it.
· Tess was in her mid-20’s, and had very little control over inhibiting her emotions. Something happened, she reacted to it and that was it. She’d been like this since she was a kid and never learned to change it. In fact, she never knew that she could.
· Tess had no idea that it was the meaning she was giving to what she experienced that was driving the intensity of her emotions, as well as the non-conscious associations she was making with past experiences that lacked closure.
· All Tess knew was that her emotional responses on a regular basis would flood her and she didn’t know how to pull the plug on those experiences or stop the intensity of her emotions.
· Her desire to participate in fun, normal activities began to wane. She became afraid of flooding or feeling out of control emotionally. None of her friends seemed to have this problem and so she didn’t know who to ask for help or what to do to help herself
· She wanted to set goals that would stretch her to grow but she became overwhelmed at the thought.
· She wanted to attend lots of interesting events but found that she had such strong emotional reactions while attending these events that she felt uncomfortable doing so
· Tess felt life very deeply; it’s an important part of her personhood. She just didn’t know how to inhibit her response to maybe 50% of what it was and make it possible to interact as others did and not become overwhelmed
Background Facts about emotional Inhibiting:
· One way to think about your emotions is as e-motion or energy in motion. If you are fluid in your response to your emotions, they are just passing through. If you freeze in the face of them, and become rigid, you could feel overwhelmed and like you’re getting hit with a huge wave of energy
· Your emotions are what you think they are, and not automatically good or bad
· Anger is a good emotion and delivers an important message about something being wrong. If you inhibit feeling anger, then you’ll miss important information to guide your response
· Anxiety is a good emotion and delivers an important message about something not being safe. If you inhibit feeling anxious, then you’ll miss important information to guide your response
· Joy is a good emotion and delivers an important message about your happiness. If you inhibit feeling joy, then you’ll miss important information to guide your response
· You can develop your ability to inhibit your emotional responses by first differentiating between the message and the response. Get the message and then work with your response.
· You can ask yourself insightful questions about you and the circumstances such as:
o Why do I do what I do?
o How is this significant?
o What is happening here?
o Why is it happening?
o What does all this mean?
If you relate to Tess’ story, your action steps are:
· Focus on developing your ability to seek balance in inhibiting your emotional responses after you’ve understood the message they carry for you. Give yourself time to reflect, ask yourself questions and consider what you learn.
· Follow Through on differentiating between the message and your response to the message rather than becoming the emotion and perpetuating it
· Self-Management of how you feel about living in a state of fluidity and not taking on the emotion in order to live the lesson.
Remember that no matter which stories you identify with, you need to cultivate a “practicing mindset” and come to look forward to practicing something every day that is moving you toward your destination. Whether you need to practice developing behavioral, thinking, or feeling Inhibiting, or all of them, you have work to do. And mind you, the “work” doesn’t have to be hard or boring; it can be fun and playful. The idea is to make the process enjoyable so you will practice every day and even look forward to doing so.
It’s not enough to know the steps you need to take in the process; you can get that from a book or other informational product. You need the support, understanding, and sense of community to help carry the load we all sometimes feel. You might even need someone to walk beside you, step by step, to help guide your actions and follow through so you stay the course and achieve your outcome.
We each require “explicit or clear instructions” in order to advance, and can do so, provided that we have removed the obstacles that prevent us from moving forward. You have to pay attention to what your daily outcomes are from the actions you take; it’s the only way to course correct quickly and not lose a lot of time moving in the wrong direction or getting stuck because of emotional obstacles.
And again, if you don’t have a place you go for support and knowledge about how to transform your life into what you’ve always wanted, I recommend you put your name and contact information in the form on the ADDventures in Achievement site, so I can reach out to you right away and set up a time to chat about your goals and challenges and whether or not this program is right for you. The link to the site is in the episode resources.
If this all sounds like a lot of work, perhaps it is, however it doesn’t have to be unpleasant work. In fact, it can be fun and playful if you approach it that way and give it those types of meanings. I’ve been playing with these skills and strategies for years now because I had to learn them, just like you do. I knew that I would be more inclined to stick with learning them if I could make this a fun experience for myself; which I did. And I’ve continued to be a student of my own life as I hope you will be of yours, and stick with it until you’ve achieved mastery, and the happier and more productive life you want.
If you want to be part of an online community of listeners to my show, be sure to reach out and friend me on Facebook so I can invite you into The Living Beyond ADHD Community. I look forward to getting to know you there and helping you in whatever ways I can.
And if you want more than just the Facebook group, put your name and information in the form on the ADDventures in Achievement site, so I can reach out to you and we can chat about your needs and whether this program is right for you. Enrollment will be available to you after we chat on the phone, and determine if this is right for you. I don’t open enrollment to the public with a link because I want to make sure that the adults enrolling in ADDventures in Achievement will all work well together. We are definitely an amazing and unique community. So don’t miss out on this great opportunity to get your needs met.
I’ve included an Executive Function Assessment when you enroll and the opportunity to discuss the results with me in our initial 1:1 appointment. I’ve remodeled the program so we are focusing on you developing the executive function skills and strategies you’re missing in our working workshops, in addition to the weekly coaching you receive as a member of the ADDventures in Achievement program and community. And of course, you have access to the forum 24/7 and to me there helping you 6 days a week.
A Favorite Quote:
Napoleon Hill said, “Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.” So, the question I have for you at this point of our journey together is, “Do you know what your greatest desire is, and are you driven to do whatever it’s going to take to manifest your desire?” I hope so because this is your life we are talking about!!!
And you know that it wouldn’t be a complete episode if I didn’t talk about celebrating your WINS, big and small, since they are such an important part of my philosophy. And since what we pay attention to grows, paying attention to what’s right instead of what’s wrong helps to generate more of what’s right. And when you acknowledge and celebrate your WINS with a full heart of appreciation and authenticity, you are giving yourself a priceless gift.
Please don't short-change yourself by thinking that it’s pointless or stupid to reward yourself for all the little things that you’re “supposed to do.” That couldn’t be further from the truth. Are you really going to make yourself wait until something HUGE happens to celebrate? Does something HUGE happen everyday? Probably not! But the kind of WINS I talk about can and often do. And from what I see, they are an absolute necessity to getting yourself out of the emotional ditch of whatever ails you and into a better attitude and way of living. Based on the feedback I get, this regular practice of celebrating WINS is changing lives for the better.
So, what’s it going to be for you today? What are you going to celebrate? Maybe you’ve begun to develop an acceptance practice and are extending a little grace to yourself instead of poisonous negativity; that’s certainly a WIN. Perhaps you’ve taken the risk to see yourself more clearly and are pleasantly surprised with what you’ve discovered; that’s a wonderful WIN. Maybe you received a compliment from someone you barely know, who appreciates what you shared with them; that’s definitely a WIN. You get the point; celebrate all of them; big and small. And none of this “half-hearted celebrating”; you’ve got to mean it. Exaggerate your emotions. YES!!!! WOW!! AWESOME!! You want your acknowledgement and celebration to register in your neurology with the power to move you and shift your state. Many of us need a higher level of stimulation or intensity for things to register. So, if that’s you, give that to yourself and exaggerate your celebration so you can actually feel it.
And listen…you’re not broken or defective or less than! You’re YOU! You have gifts and talents that you may not think much of, like you’re really great at decorating your home or have a great sense of humor or you bring a smile to people’s faces when they see you, because those talents aren’t paying the bills. I get it. And yet these are things that are really great about you and need to be appreciated.
You are a precious “human being” whose value is a given; because I am not talking about you as the “human doing” that most of society views you as. And you may be missing some skills that have been making your life very difficult up to now, and yet skills can be learned. Please know that I am not making light of your struggles or unhappiness; not at all. I want you to know that there are answers to your struggles. You may need to make some changes, and you may be in the very early stages of making those changes. If you are willing to be a student of your own life and develop a deeper understanding of yourself and how you are put together, and offer yourself a lot of compassion and patience, plus the time, effort and energy it’s going to take to make the necessary changes, these things can happen for you. I know this is true because my students are learning skills they’ve been missing most of their life and it’s amazing to share in the transformation of their thinking and behaviors and aha moments.
Please don’t let yourself be one of the 80% of people who don’t ever make it to more permanent change or even the 80% who want to change but never actually end up making the changes they want for many different reasons. There is training and support available to you to ensure, to the best of my ability, that you don’t become one of the 80% who don’t make it. Rather, that you are one of the 20% who do.
That’s about it for today’s episode about Inhibiting behavioral, thinking and emotional flow, and a little of how you can start to develop them. I’ve really missed being here with you, and once again, it just couldn’t be helped. I cherish the emails and posts you send me, letting me know how much my show helps you and means to you. It means a lot to me to know that your life is getting a little bit better every time we get together. Listening to every podcast episode is a small action step, and something that can help you move your life forward, one episode at a time, if you take action on the action steps I include for you. If you just listen and hear the value but don’t take action, you won’t gain the value that’s there for you. Remember, for things to change for the better for you, YOU have to change – which means you need to do your best every day to do something that will lead you in the direction of your destination.
I’d love to see your name on the ADDventures in Achievement form, so I can reach out to you right away, learn about your challenges and goals and see if this program is a good fit for you to take advantage of. Time doesn’t stand still and I hope you won’t either. Act now and let’s chat.
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Part of what I love about the growing community of ADDventures in Achievement is the support that members are receiving from one another. Years ago I conceived of something I called “The ADD Squad.” The idea for The ADD Squad was an outgrowth of my growing up years watching the TV show, Little House on the Prairie, where it didn’t seem to matter whose barn burned down, the town rallied and raised a new barn so that family could be okay. I’ve always felt that the world might be a much better place if we viewed each other that way. In other words, seeing the needs of others and reaching out as a community to help one another because we can, rather than just thinking of our own needs. In the case of my online program, the reaching out has been the sharing of knowledge, support and time to help one another and it’s amazing to be a part of. We are not alone in this life of ours! We are all inter-connected in such unique and mysterious ways, and we can see that even more so by developing our executive function skills and strategies.
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Thanks for listening… Until the next time… Bye for now…
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