Living With Executive Function Skills - 085
May 24, 2021So many of us grew up without the opportunity to become the person we want to be. Whether our homes were filled with trauma or addictions or those who raised us were just missing the essential executive function skills to be able to pass them on to us, we didn’t get them. And so, it goes. Generation after generation of kids are growing up with under-developed executive function skills; the very life skills that are necessary for successful “adulting.”
Some of you believe it’s too late for you to develop these skills or that it will take too long. The fact is, it’s never too late and in our 7-month journey together you will make significant changes – from the inside out - that will change your life. To me, that’s a relatively short period of time considering the lifetime many of us have spent without these skills and the difference that having them makes.
In this episode Dr B talks about:
- What life is like without well-developed EF skills
- What life is like with well-developed EF skills
- The importance of celebrating your wins
- Enrollment for ADDventures in Achievement Foundational Skills program - closes May 25, 2021 at 10 pm PDT
Developing your Executive Function Skills and shifting your limiting beliefs is the fastest and most effective way to overcome ADHD limitations, find focus, gain confidence, and newfound freedom in your life!
My mission is to put an end to the worldwide needless suffering of adults with ADHD and those with under-developed Executive Function Skills - whether from ADHD, chronic depression or anxiety, trauma, addictions, or chronic illnesses. And, you don't need a formal diagnosis to know you need help developing these executive function skills in order to greatly reduce your suffering.
Full Episode Transcript
0085 Life with Executive Function Skills
So many of us grew up without the opportunity to become the person we want to be. Whether our homes were filled with trauma or addictions or those who raised us were just missing the essential executive function skills to be able to pass them on to us, we didn’t get them. And so, it goes. Generation after generation of kids are growing up with under-developed executive function skills; the very life skills that are necessary for successful “adulting.”
Some of you believe it’s too late for you to develop these skills or that it will take too long. The fact is, it’s never too late and in our 7-month journey together you will make significant changes – from the inside out - that will change your life. To me, that’s a relatively short period of time considering the lifetime many of us have spent without these skills and the difference that having them makes.
Developing your executive function skills goes way beyond just those skills. What you are also developing is a new you and letting go of version 1.0. You can’t possibly stay the same and insert these new skills into the old you or version 1.0 of you. You will continually say things like “that’s not me” or “I don’t do things that way” and that defeats your personal growth. As Jim Rohn says, “For things to change, you have to change.” So, you can upgrade yourself to version 2.0. You’ll take the best of what’s contained in version 1.0, and transfer it to version 2.0 and then add in the development of these EF skills. It’s a very exciting journey because you get to discover so many wonderful things about yourself along the way – some very humbling and others truly a delight.
In recovery circles you’re told it’s an inside job and this journey is no different. You are recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body because your life is not playing out as it could with the well-developed EF skills that are so essential to your success. So, I thought I would talk about what life is like with well-developed executive function skills, to give you a sense of what you’re in store for. I say that because if you’re like a fish in water and only know the dysfunction and limitations you’ve lived with your entire life, then it’s hard to imagine what life is like outside the fishbowl. Something else you’ll start to experience outside the fishbowl is the healing of your codependency. Having a loving, healthy relationship with yourself becomes easier, and it’s the most important relationship in your life. It’s the basis for all your other relationships.
So, what does this have to do with living with well-developed executive function skills? A lot. I see so many of my students with their limiting beliefs and frozen identity that hold them prisoner; and they are transforming these limitations and breaking free. Those I speak to that decide to not become a student are serving a life sentence of misery by continuing to believe that change isn’t possible for them. That if it was as easy, and developing EF skills to have a better quality of life was the answer, then everyone would do it and be living that better life. I never said it was easy. The solution is simple – develop the essential EF skills. The journey is often challenging because of the resistance some have to believing that it’s possible to transform their life so completely. Or, fears set in, and attempt to hold people in place, so they can’t transform their life. Most fears are “false evidence appearing real.” They are illusions that we have created due to the inaccuracy of our perceptions.
I love hearing about the resistance and lack of believing. Why? Because that was me years ago in recovery. It was my amazing sponsor who told me that it was a program of action, and that I was to work the steps the way the steps were intended to be worked, and the results would speak for themselves. Well, that’s pretty much how it went for me. When I look at a comparison between my recovery journey and the journey that you all could go on – a 7-month journey in the ADDventures in Achievement Foundational Skills program, there are similarities.
There are steps, guidelines and a structure. The five pillars are a structure for you to learn the 13 Executive Function Skills. The three MasterClasses are the pre-skills I feel are essential for you to learn first before you embark on the five-pillar journey. And instead of a Sponsor, you have me as your trainer, coach and guide to your success. The MasterClasses used to just be bonuses in the program, and people got to them as they did. When I saw that most people weren't getting to them, and I know they are really important, I redesigned the program to be a seven instead of a six-month program and put four weeks of MasterClass training upfront to make sure that students would do this training first, because it was the only training available for those 4 weeks for them to hyper-focus on. And then they could continue to work with these pre-skills during the next 6 months, as desired.
Another advantage of positioning the MasterClasses upfront is I get to go into the MasterClass forums and see what students are struggling with in real time. In those MasterClasses forums I see what students are posting and how they're working with the methodology. I get to see the struggle firsthand; the stuckness and confusion in thinking. I get to see and learn so much about my students in the first month of training, in addition to their background information and EF assessment results. By working on these MasterClasses individually, within the group, there is a felt sense of community which keeps students going. By seeing what others are posting, you discover that you are not alone in your challenges as well as gain additional insights about yourself.
Speaking of community, if you aren't yet a member of my Facebook group, Living Beyond ADHD, I highly recommend that you get over there and ask to join. When you do be sure that you answer the few questions that are asked including the question about the group rules so you can be approved into the group. We have rules so that the group is a safe space free of judgment, and a place where you can show up and interact with like-minded adults, you can laugh a little, learn a little and most of all, be connected to a positive energy community.
I go live in that group every two weeks, and I answer questions that are posed by group members. So, if you have questions about adult ADHD, Executive Function Skills, how to navigate your adult life and so much more, be sure to post your questions on the Q & A post every 2 weeks. You’ll learn a lot that way. And if you want to start developing your executive function skills beyond the group support, I have lots of resources available on my website, including the opportunity for you to join the May ADDventures in Achievement Foundational Skills program group. Enrollment is open now and closes on May 25th at 10 pm PDT. The links are in the transcript of this episode and show notes. So, join the Facebook group for community and fun engagement and visit my website to get the details about developing your EF skills in this final enrollment for 2021. You won't want to miss either opportunity!
For those of you who have been longtime listeners, you know that I'm big on wins and their importance in your life. There's another important aspect to focusing on wins. You are training your mind to stay focused on what’s right and celebrate it big time. Which doesn’t mean you don’t stay aware of what isn’t right and needs your attention. However, by focusing on your wins and celebrating all of them, you energize yourself so that tackling what needs your attention can be easier in the long run. So, if you want to energize yourself every day, start your day off by celebrating your wins! We don't always have control over the events or experiences in life, however, we do have control over the meaning that we give them.
You know from listening to other episodes that what you focus on grows, and that it's important to stand guard at the doorway to your mind and not let in things that don't serve you. Criticism, judgment, belittling and such don’t serve you at all. They don’t motivate you and only do harm to your sense of self, so let them go. Focus on your wins instead. That way you will continue to attract more and more wins into your life, all leading you to the state of mind and life that you want.
You are a precious child of God and of the universe. And you are called a human being not a human doing for a good reason. You do not have to earn your value. You were born with it. Your value comes from who you are, not what you do. And if you need a place to know that's true, be sure to join the Facebook group Living Beyond ADHD so that you can be with others who will celebrate your wins with you. and affirm that you are more than okay as you, the human being.
So, what's it going to be for you today? If you decided to join us in the May AIA-FS program group, that’s awesome! What a wonderful gift to yourself! If you posted a review in the Living Beyond ADHD Facebook group, that’s truly appreciated! Thank you. And if you decided to start cultivating a more loving relationship with yourself, that’s HUGE. You get the point. Celebrate all of them. And none of this halfhearted celebrating. You've got to mean it. You've got to exaggerate your emotions. Yes! Wow! Awesome! Be sure to celebrate your wins big and small, because celebrating daily builds consistency and makes a faster difference in your Life.
How much time do we have? Not much. So, let's get to it.
So back to the topic of What’s life like with executive function skills? I thought I had developed mine sufficiently in the beginning because I was doing okay. I got an education. I got a ton of degrees; an AA, BA, MA and a Ph.D. I somehow managed to write a dissertation, a thesis, and do all the things required to pursue licensure as a mental health professional; everything I needed to do to secure my license some 30 years ago. I was a researcher for five years in two international studies. I guess I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life up to my early 50s. But wait a minute. What was really going on behind the scenes that made it possible for me to accomplish the things that I accomplished in those first 50 or so years? Burnout.
Properly developing Executive Function Skills is very different. Let me paint you a picture.
Decision-Making – How did you first learn to make decisions? Did someone teach you? What my dad offered me as a kid was the good old Ben Franklin method of taking a piece of paper, drawing a line down the middle, putting the pros on one side and the cons on the other side and then making a decision based on what’s on the sheet of paper. That never made sense to me. I could not understand for the life of me, how someone could make a decision from that limited amount of information because there was so much that wasn't being considered on that sheet of paper, and it was years later that I started to look at making decisions differently. I made bulk decisions, meaning I made decisions in groups, so that I wasn't making decision after decision, all day long and ending up with what's referred to as decision fatigue, which is a real thing; you are making so many decisions every day that you're exhausted. And then the decisions you make when you're in that state, are not very good decisions. So, I came up with a methodology of seven steps of what you need to do and what needs to be included in order to make a good decision, and know it’s a good decision. I love this methodology. Do you have a method for making decisions and knowing they are good decisions before you act on them? I hope so and if not, then this would be a very important skill for you to learn.
Time Management – How well are you managing yourself in time? And managing the amount of time you have so that you get the most important things done every day and celebrate your wins? I used to be constantly late; 10 minutes late consistently. And it’s the consistently that was really important in solving this challenge. I was consistently late because I was losing 10 minutes whenever I left the house. Going Meta, I discovered where the 10 minutes were going and adjusted things so that I was consistently on time or even early. I needed to make time physical for myself; not just a concept. I needed to physically put myself in places at certain times rather than just thinking about time as an abstract concept. And it worked. Plus, I learned to work with the amount of time I really had, not the distance from where I was to the deadline. In other words, I didn’t have 10 days to get something done; I had 2 hours/day for the next 10 days to get something done or 20 hours. And, was 20 hours enough time to get the task done? Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. How do you think about time and whether you are over budget with time before you even start?
Procrastination - Lots of you procrastinate, I know this from what I see posted in my Facebook group, Living Beyond ADHD, as well as people I talked to - procrastination is a huge problem. But it isn't procrastination that's the problem. Procrastination is a symptom of many other problems. And unless we dig down and we understand what the issues really are, and not just look at the symptom, then we never get to really solve it. I like to solve things; I don't like to keep having the same lessons and experiences over and over again. So, life without procrastination means my schedule is planned, time is allocated appropriately, and I get busy doing what my calendar tells me to do, when it tells me to do it; I don't procrastinate because that behavior doesn't exist anymore. There's no reason to procrastinate. I do the things that I want to do and if these are things that I need to do, then I shift my feelings so my state is what I need it to be for the task to be fun. What’s the point in doing things if we don’t make them fun? I like to make everything fun, and enjoy myself.
So that's what life looks like before and after developing these 3 pre-skills. Let me share a little bit about life with the 13 executive function foundational skills. It’s like putting together building blocks in just the right shape for your life.
Metacognition, the way I teach this is about perspective; an accurate perception of your life events. No one I’ve worked with has ever had a Metacognitive score that was appropriately developed. That means that the information they were using to make decisions in their life wasn't accurate; it was skewed. This is an essential skill, definitely the first one I taught myself and practiced so I could develop an accurate perspective on my life. We need accurate information to make good decisions and to be considering the right opportunities that present themselves. The more developed my Metacognition becomes, the more I can see about life in general and situations specifically. I am able to take my observations and plug them into the decision-making methodology, make good decisions, and avoid most disastrous ones. I don’t feel like I am second-guessing myself and am not filled with self-doubt about what I see and think and choose to do. This leads to a more peaceful life; certainly, one with much less stress. The feelings of overwhelm aren’t part of my daily life like they used to be; I am seeing molehills not mountains when I look at what’s in front of me to do. I am able to cut through the complexity my mind used to create when simplicity is what’s truly happening.
Inhibiting, is the ability to pause and reflect, rather than be reactive. And without a well- developed Metacognition, even if you get yourself to pause and reflect, you may not be reflecting on what’s truly happening. The biggest difference I notice with this EF skill developed is the absence of negative self-talk. Being able to pause, reflect and determine what is appropriate to say to myself most of the time is such a blessing. It also integrates nicely with having a loving relationship with myself. Definitely an EF skill you can all benefit from.
Shifting is an interesting skill because we shift all day long. Sometimes we resist shifting and other times we shift too often. It’s a skill that most have and yet it’s been problematic for many due to emotional reasons. It’s great to have developed Emotional Control so that emotions no longer block me from shifting when it’s time to do so. I used to be a rapid shifter, moving from thing to thing and finishing nothing – not any more. I can stay put and move through what needs doing even when it’s a bit difficult. Plus, transitioning to sleep time is relatively easy now.
Emotional Control is a great skill to have developed so that meltdowns and overwhelm are a thing of the past. And hours of the day aren’t lost to “settling in” to the work that needs doing because of emotions. Having developed both Shifting and Emotional Control gives me back so much of my day. I’m no longer hijacked by emotions nor losing precious time because I’m unable to shift out of them. Emotions are energy in emotion and it’s just moving through and delivering messages to me; nothing to get hooked on or attached to. So much freedom!
Self-Awareness is a relationship skill and has helped me improve my relationships with others dramatically. By understanding how to go Meta, I am able to see myself accurately and adjust my interactions with others. Occasionally my mind can’t give me the information I need to be my best self relationally. It’s humbling when this happens, and inspires me to stretch more and Grow.
Initiating is the getting started challenge that so many have. Not just getting going but staying with the task until you’re finished without violating your values. You’ll learn the importance of separating your prep from your task so that when it’s time to start you start and keep going. What a difference it makes! I have tasks planned, scheduled and lined up for doing, and if I want to swap out tasks on a particular day, I can because I see the bigger picture and everything still fits into the week and gets done.
Working Memory is a critically importance EF skill if we expect to remember so much of the information that comes at us every day. This is an integration skill and is about so much more than just your memory. You need to be integrating information, strategies, skills, ideas, processes and more every day. If you can’t, so much will slip through the cracks of your life. It amazes me just how much I remember and understand the deeper meaning of because information is now integrated instead of being held as individual pieces.
Planning is something many love to do; it’s the implementing they lack. They are the thinkers, not the doers. Lots of ideas and very little action taken. Understanding where planning fits in the flow of adult life is an essential skill, as is prioritizing and scheduling appropriately. My plans translate to a schedule on my calendar and I follow through to achieve my outcomes. Instead of flying by the seat of my pants, I have plans and sequences for what I want to experience and achieve in my life and they are unfolding and being achieved one by one.
Organizing your thinking is essential to making sense to yourself as well as to others when you communicate. How can you make effective decisions or prioritize or plan or do much of anything if your thinking isn’t organized? It used to feel impossible to organize and sequence my thinking so that it made sense and with practice and appropriate strategies to develop this skill, I am able to put together thoughts so they make sense. It takes a little longer at times, yet I know that I have the skill and make my way through into the flow of my thoughts for myself and others.
Task Monitoring sounds so simple and yet when I didn’t know what I was supposed to be monitoring and what to do when I saw those cues, many things went sideways. Now, I am able to be a detail-oriented and process-oriented person, when needed, and transition out of that mode when I’m done. That’s because I have developed other skills like shifting, emotional control, initiating, working memory, planning, and more. Organizing Material Things is tough when your thinking is disorganized. Some people have the ability to organize stuff, even though they are challenged with organizing their own thoughts. Perhaps they are modeling systems they are familiar with. The organizational system I created for myself allows me to give everything a home and know where things live so they can be found easily and go home at the end of the day. Such a natural way of living.
Maintaining is one of my favorite skills because everything requires maintenance. We invest our time, effort and energy to maintain everything in our lives. Before I bring anything new into my life, I consider the maintenance it will require of me. If I am willing to invest that, I will bring it into my life and if not, then I won’t. It’s important to me to keep maintenance at a minimum and my lifestyle more minimal so that I have plenty of time for me to just BE – to think, consider, ponder, reflect…time to be with myself.
So, there you have a snapshot of how I live now with well-developed executive function skills. And you can too. All of these are skills you can develop more fully so that your life is one of ease, not misery. There are any number of reasons why your EF skills are under-developed and the why isn’t important. What’s important is what you are going to do about your EF skills and how are you going to do it now that you know you can develop them.
So many adults I get to talk to or connect with haven't known what's really been going on for so much of their life. They haven't understood why they can't do certain things that other people are doing, why it takes them so long; why this, why this, why that and leaves a big question mark in the sky so to speak. We know the why. What’s more important is the what and how since those are the action steps. Once your EF skills are sufficiently developed you can become unstoppable. You know what needs doing, how you are going to do it, and you get it done.
If I were to want to compare the me of 30 years ago or even 20 years ago to the me of today, I am so different and as a result, what’s in my life is different. Life isn't an overwhelming struggle. Life isn't so complicated, even when there's complicated things that need addressing. Life isn't as complicated as I used to feel and believe it was, because I've developed these skills.
And you all know, if you've been listeners to my podcast show that I'm on a mission. I want to start a revolution, and bring heightened awareness to the problem and the solution. I'm on a mission to serve as many of you as I possibly can; at least a million people in my lifetime, to make a positive difference in your life, a positive impact, and to help you transform your life. You have gifts to bring to the world. And you can live a quality of life that maybe you never imagined was possible for you, yet it is. Perhaps other experts have convinced you that it isn't possible for you because you're older; you're in your 30s or 40s or 50s or 60s or 70s like me, and it's just not possible. Well, that's a lie.
It's absolutely possible to learn skills, train your mind, train your brain, lay down new neural pathways, improve the quality of your life, and go on to live a very different quality of life than the one you've lived up to now. I see it every day in my students and I see it in myself. The way I think, the way I act, the way I make decisions, the way I live my life, the people who are in my life…everything is different. And I guess, not everything is different, because what's the same is the essence of Dr. B, that core essence or Golden Buddha essence that I often refer to; this the essence of each and every one of us. That is still the same. My heart is still the same.
What's different is that nothing is interfering with my heart. Nothing is interfering with the desires of my heart to fulfill itself. And for me to live through the essence of who I am and be that person - that's the difference. It was pie in the sky, years ago, and its reality today. Many of my students felt the same way and yet that’s the reality they are living today – they live their lives with these skills having replaced those dysfunctional skills of the past.
The widespread needless suffering of millions of adults around the world has to stop. And I'm doing what I can do to stop it with this generation; with us. We all need to address our limiting beliefs and our underdeveloped executive function skills, if we want to live the life that's possible for us with those changes. We have to be the person who lives the life we say we want; not struggle to live the life we say we want, in the hopes that we can someday become the person who has that life. What most people do is a backwards approach.
We all need empowering beliefs and well-developed executive function skills to thrive as adults in today's world. Because if we can't plan, organize, prioritize, get started and keep going until the end. If we can't regulate states of overwhelm, and stop the analysis paralysis so that we can more easily make good decisions and know they're good decisions, it's going to cost us dearly.
Please slow down and become a student of your own life. Understand what you need to succeed with the multifaceted brain that you have. Take action on what you learn about yourself. This is the life work that lies ahead for you, if this is your time. And, I’d love to support you in your journey, if this is your time for change. You came to this lifetime with amazing gifts. And I would love it if each and every person on this planet was able to express his or her unique gifts freely without the threat of being shamed or criticized. Please, let's put an end to that stigma once and for all.
I'm thrilled and honored to be able to do what I'm doing with my life, because it fulfills me to overflowing. Since self-integrity is one of my highest values, I was told it’s my duty to tell everyone I can that there are real solutions to the everyday challenges you are experiencing. That it’s not too late, no matter your age, because you can always learn new skills. And learning them in a safe, closed community of like-minded adults who are all going after the same changes is a powerful force for change.
The last open enrollment for 2021 for the ADDventures in Achievement Foundational Skills program ends on Tuesday, May 25th 2021 at 10 pm PDT. And that's it for this year. The next open enrollment is January 2022.
So, if you think this could be your time to make the changes you’ve wanted for years and you’re just wondering about the contents of the program, the time commitment and the financial investment, I highly recommend you at least take a look at the information on the enrollment page to fully understand what this opportunity holds for you, in the event you decide to embrace it. The link is in the show notes/transcript. Everything is paced out nicely so no need to anticipate feeling overwhelmed. You can do this; you can. The question is – will you? And will you now?
Even if this isn't your time, give yourself the gift of clicking the link that's in the show notes, go check out the information, see what's available; what the possibilities are that await you.
And then make a decision. And if you decide it isn't for you, or it isn't time for you, I get it. It's not everybody's time or I'm not for everyone. However, if you like what you see and it is your time, and you want to take this journey with the May group, then act now so I can get your EF assessment emailed out to you within the next 48 hours. The assessment takes about 15 minutes and you’ll receive your results before June 1st when we have our Orientation and EF Debriefing. You’ll also want to get your 2-pages of “get to know you” information typed up and emailed over to me right after you complete your EF assessment. You can even start on your writing now so it’s ready to go.
A favorite quote of mine is from Jim Rohn, who said, “The only way it gets better for you is when you get better. Better is not something you wish, it’s something you become.” What this quote says to me is to be mindful of who you are becoming on the way to where it is that you are going. And to take stock every night to make sure that you are better tonight than you were last night. I suggest you make this a nightly practice for yourself.
Whether you're learning from my podcast episodes, or live videos, or you're working with me directly, you're in my world, and I'm here to serve your needs. So be sure to reach out and get your needs met. It's up to you to take action so that things can change for the better for you. And they can only change for the better for you, if you change.
Make it a priority to join the Facebook group, Living Beyond ADHD so you can have a non- judgmental community to lean into, and check out the AIA-FS program information and enrollment page to learn what awaits you, should you decide this is your time for change. Be sure to check it out right away since enrollment ends on May 25th at 10 pm PDT.
If you enjoy my show, please share this podcast with others. I would also be grateful if you'd rate the show and write a positive review on iTunes, so I know that I'm meeting your needs. It means a lot to me to know that your life is getting a little bit better, every time we get together.
Thank you so much for listening to this special episode, and allowing me to share what's possible for you. I am not the exception. This opportunity is waiting for your answer and if it’s “YES” – let’s get started transforming your life today!
Be sure that you check out the show notes for the many opportunities available to you. Let’s put an end to your needless suffering and that of generations to come. I would love to help you realize a new freedom; that is, if that's of interest to you. Thanks for listening. Until the next time. Bye for now.
Resources referred to in this episode:
• Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/livingbeyondadhd
• Free PDF - 13 Signs Weak Executive Functioning Is Holding You Back: https://www.drbarbaracohen.com/Executive-Function
Episode Resources:
- Put yourself on the informational list for the ADDventures In Achievement Foundational Skills Program, so that you receive all the amazing emails we’ve written to both educate you about Executive Function skills as well as the details of the program; there is absolutely no obligation by being on the Information list. You’ll thank yourself for getting informed.
- Free Video and e-Book - Many Mental Health Providers & ADHD
- 13 EF Skills
- Join the amazing Living Beyond ADHD Facebook Group & hang out with your peeps
- Follow me on Dr B Facebook Page and enjoy live videos and more
- Follow me on Instagram and enjoy relevant resources
To Help The Show:
Subscribe at your favorite listening spot and my podcast player has social media links (icons) in the episode player so you can share episodes you love with others!
Please rate the show and leave a thoughtful review on iTunes so I know you're benefiting from the episodes. The greater the number of reviews, the higher the ranking, and the easier it will be for others to find the show; people who also need this information.
Let's put an end to the worldwide needless suffering together! We can do this!
